Blog

Johnny Cash Said Love Would Burn, I Never Thought It’d Hurt This Bad.

Well, I have not written anything is quite sometime and I owe that to the fact that I was once happy, and I tend to write when I’m sad. So, there is no surprise that I am back. If for some reason you ever kept up with my posts, the last time you heard from me I decided to pick up and move across the country with a man who I loved for him. Didn’t think that would end well did you? Spoiler Alert: You were right it didn’t.

There is a point of being hurt where you just become numb, you feel empty to your core. I have heard about this before and in my mind I would think the person was being dramatic. There is no way someone could make a person feel physically numb inside, yet here I am. My whole world came crashing down last week and I was left outside to trying to put out the fire that someone else had created. I feel lost, alone, and I have to start my entire life over again. Typically in these life shitting on you moments, I can find the good in them. I typically realize right away that there is a reason for everything happening, everything works itself out. In this moment, and in the moments to come, I remain lost.

I suppose it is my fault though, huh? You put all of your heart and soul in someone and something in hopes that it will be enough. It never is, that is one thing I will learn. It never is enough. There was no warning, no red flags, nothing. It came out of no where and I think that may be what hurts the most. I was blindsided. I had to leave my job and my friends that I had made in Colorado because I was being run out of town by someone who no longer wanted me in there lives. So what do you do then?

Call your mom.

24 years old and I still rely on my mom to be my emotional support. You would think with no money in your bank account, you would let your adult daughter figure it out. Nope. She booked a one way ticket, picked me up, and drove for 25+ hours across the country to bring me home. Bless her soul. Now don’t get me wrong, I have an incredible support system behind me, I’ll get through it. But you never think the person whom you love the most in the world will crush you the hardest.

I’ll get back on my feet, but for now, I am not okay.

 

PS: I got the dog.

Advertisements

Give Yourself A Little Credit

Long time no write. Long long time no write.

Let’s go through a daunting catch up before I get started on my rant that let’s be real, not many people are going to read. I’m still in Colorado, still living life with my boyfriend, he’s still great and sarcastic per usual, plot twist I actually have a full time job now, and we moved into an actual apartment. However I have noticed for some reason I had given up my creative side for a few months. It seems I stopped writing. Not only through this outlet, by I stopped writing down my thoughts through poems or though random scrap pieces of paper I had found. I also stopped drawing, which had always been my safe and happy place. I blame time and a busy schedule, but I want to make my creative perspective a priority, so let’s start with this.

A gentle reminder to stop and give yourself a little credit once in a while. Life is hard, and life is not ever going to turn out how you plan, but remember to give yourself credit for how far you have come. Look back over all of the obstacles that you managed to face, whether big or small, they are all obstacles. Celebrate the little victories, think back on the times where it seemed like the day or week would never end, where you managed to tear yourself out of bed, all of the battles you fought internally, all of the jobs or other people that worked so hard to turn you down or tear you up, you’re here. You’re reading this, and you’ve made it through those tough times. Some days it seems like it will never end, but you’ve gotten through each day.

Sure, this may seem like something that is constantly repeated on a platform such as this, but when was the last time you actually gave yourself credit? Be proud that you woke up and got out of bed today, be proud of the little victories you have achieved at work, be proud of the personal relationships you have made an effort to rebuild and keep alive.

Be proud of yourself, for yourself.

Just Another Thank You Letter

So, there seems to be a trend on different writing website such as this glorious one where you all seem to like weird rambles, and that trend is Thank You Letters. Which, I am fully guilty of participating in, so if you haven’t read my Thank You Letter to The Dude That Left go ahead and do so because I’m self-promoting and my best friend happened to slap that particular dude this past weekend and well, that made me laugh. Anyways back on subject, here’s another thank you letter and this one is,
To The One’s Who Left My Boyfriend.
Thank you. Thank you. One thousand times thank you. Yes, it seems selfish to be thanking this handful of past women for breaking my boyfriend, for leaving, and for putting him through an emotional whirlwind but thank you. You 3, the most recent and most important, didn’t realize what you had in front of you, you did not care to dig any deeper than what was on the surface. You were missing out on so many incredible qualities of someone that I didn’t even know that solely one person could possess. Thank you, especially to the last and most recent. You may have toyed and played with his emotions enough to send him running to the opposite coast of you, which I hope you feel incredibly guilty about, but you lead him to me. You lead an intelligent, career driven, emotionally guarded, hiding behind humor person right to me, and I got to peel away the layers. I got to see one by one bricks fall from the wall that he had built up right in front of my eyes, and I cannot be more thankful. However, yes I am a women and I have insecurities that get the best of me sometimes and I tend to compare myself to you three that broke him, but look where I am. I’m living the best life with my best friend and I have you to thank. So thank you.

 

(yes I realize this is a weird post but oh well)

Stay weird xx

Talk About a Commitment…

22. Unemployed. Broke. New State. But extremely happy.
Guess what? My life has drastically changed in the matter of two weeks, I ended up across the country for the hell of it. Actually, that’s a lie. I ended up across the country for a boy, and now I embody the twenty-first century “basic bitch” demeanor. However as my friends would put it, “the college *insert whatever name you please, but please don’t name me something weird* would have never of even thought about doing that.” They are references my lack of hesitation to move across the county, into a tiny apartment, and live with someone I have been dating for less than 2 months. I know, what the hell am I thinking. Well… I’m thinking I am the happiest I have ever been, I am thinking that I have an opportunity to move to my dream state with my dream person, and I am thinking that I never back down from obstacles.
So yes, I am broke and unemployed, yet I’m actively seeking employment let’s not think I’m a lazy lump on a log, but I am happy. As this is more of an update for well what is it now, my two followers? Hi, hello hope all is well. I am exciting to get back into writing and document my journey through the beautiful state of Colorado. So, here goes nothing.

 

Stay weird xx

Wake Up and Smell The Roses! Or Lack There Of

It’s February 14th, also known as the day that everyone is going to be posting the same blog posts on this website, about their lack of love life or their plethora, which okay let’s leave your awkward sexual encounters out of it for a second. I’m here to share stories of strangers, families, and colleagues that I have gotten to witness fail miserably at this so called holiday of love.
Let’s start out with my sister. A little background information: has been dating the same guy for a year, just got in a huge fight, have yet to see each other in two weeks, and well she’s needy. I wake up to a text from her at 7am, keep in mind she is my best friend so this is not as weird as it sounds, and it’s a picture of a cat sitting on a pizza while wearing sunglasses in outer space, with a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text stamped on it. Which, by far is the best text I have ever received, and clearly started my day off on the right foot, but this is not about me. We get to talking, asking her what their plans are, and her response, “I’m making fajitas because no one can love me more than me.” Which once again, made my day already 10 times better, but what I loved most about her day of love plans were, 1. Who the hell eats fajitas as a romantic meal and 2. She was not going to let her boyfriend ruin her day, she made it about herself and about making herself happy. I know, cheesy and sappy but hey I’m curious to how those fajitas are going to turn out.
Moving on to a colleague. Now, this is just a conversation I was overhearing because I don’t do much but eavesdrop. Background: about 35, married with 2 little girls. One of our bosses was making small talk and asked what he did for his wife this morning, “um nothing, why?” I swear you would have thought he just threatened to quit and take down the company himself by the look on her face. “Not even anything for your girls?” she asked, “Yeah, no.” This made me laugh considering I’m sure there is an extremely pissed off wife waiting for him at home, I really hope he stops and at least picks up some carnations, save yourself dude.

How about we talk about the reason we know every little detail about our friends’ special little day? Thank you Snapchat. Roses? Check. Candy? Check. A puppy? Um, check…? That’s right, I got to enjoy an almost 100 second long snap chat story of a former classmate of mine having a glorious day that well, started out with a puppy. That guy is going to have a lot to live up to for the rest of that relationship, let’s be real.
Now, do not get me wrong, I’m all for celebrating this holiday. I get it, it’s a chance to be cheesy and cliché and feel like someone special. And yes, pose the argument that you should feel like that every day, but no one in their right mind is going to be buying you heart shaped chocolates every day I’m sorry sweetie. I’m not bitter either, I got woken up with a breakfast burrito to go, who could ask for anything more to be honest. Now, I’m not truly sure what the point of this little rant was but to just share the fact that my sister is having Valentine’s Day Fajitas.

Stay Weird.

Career or Happiness, Why Can’t You Have Both?

Seems nearly impossible in the world we live in today. Chase your own happiness or chase your own career, that is what it comes down to. Now I am expressing this mainly because I am finding myself in this difficult situation. Maybe it is the fact that I am 22 years old and have absolutely no fucking idea what I want to do with my life, but that’s okay right? At least that is what everyone keeps telling me. Now, keep in mind that I don’t sit on my ass all day and hope I magically figure out what I am going to spend the rest of my life doing, I get up and go to work 5 days a week, sometimes more, but don’t get me wrong I do sit at work and think to myself, “okay what the hell am I going to do next?” And if the truth be told, I have not a clue.
I have been stressing this for quite some time now, stressing myself over the fact that maybe I will never find out what I truly want to do, and where I find myself landing to each time is that I am picking happiness over a career of choice. That’s right, I actually found someone I want to spend every day with because well, that person makes me the happiest I have ever been. Except, oh we might move to good ol’ Wyoming… Now, looking at it from a positive it is a new place, a new adventure, and I have never lived out west before, so why not? But oh yeah, that whole job thing. We expect to immediately have out shit together straight out of college, we expect to start making a sustainable salary, and live on our own right away but how realistic is that? Nearly impossible if you ask me. So, I called my mom asking for some advice and mainly to bitch about how cold and gloomy Pennsylvania is, and the advice she gave me was,
“Who cares, move out there why not, be a waitress at a diner, as long as you’re happy. You have to love the life you live and things will fall in to place. No immediately, but you cannot pass up an adventure. That is what life is about.”
Yes I know, my mom is straight out of your Pinterest quote board, but she is right. Something clicked, and that something was my why the fuck not mind set. So, if you are reading this and thinking good luck being a barista again or serving a family of 7 at a local diner, thank you I’ll need it. But guess what? At least I’ll be happy.

Quote Shaming and Bullshit

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying “you can’t be loved until you love yourself,”

Hi, I’m here to call total bullshit.

As someone who has been deemed “hard to love,” I want to break down the barrier that exists in your mind in which tells you that unless you’re good enough for yourself; you’re not good enough for anyone else. I have been stuck in that mindset for quite some time, and I have been through a bad break up after the next, each leaving me with the thought of, “well maybe if I just did this, or maybe if I just liked myself a bit more.”

Do not get me wrong, self-love is very important especially in the society that we live in, and I believe that one should truly strive to love the skin and mind you are in each and every day. However, for some that day may never come. The day may never come where you feel good enough, but that does not mean that you are not the light of someone else’s life. You may not wake up every day wanting to face the reflection staring back at you above the bathroom sink, however wanting to wake up facing another pair of eyes that make you feel okay, is just that, it’s okay.

I want to be the one to tell you every day is going to be a battle, and not every week is going to be your best one. Some days you may feel like all you do is self-destruct, but none of that means that you are hard to love. None of that means that someone will never find that ray of light in you. Because it’s there and it’s very much reachable.